I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
