All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
