I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
it hurts more in the daytime
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
