i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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