so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
