Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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