life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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