Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
