he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
