I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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