your parents love me but you hate me
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
