Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
