Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
