i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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