I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
