he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
