I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
