I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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