I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
