Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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