We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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