I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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