there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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