You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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