I wish they made helmets for livers.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
