when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
