Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
