I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Randomize
