the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
