I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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