Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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