so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
