So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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