Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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