Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
