the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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