I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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