i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize