Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
