I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
