just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
