we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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