this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
