He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize