She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
