you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we made out on top of his cat.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
