How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
