I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
where are my eyebrows?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
