My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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