He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
