No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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