i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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