Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
