Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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