I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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