Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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