biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
how does that bad decision feel?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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