I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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