You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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