i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
