Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
this just has baby written all over it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
