I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
