He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
